I like funny war stories like these. Of course it's only funny if you're not bitten yourself. :( I feel with you.
At least you got a 2013 MB which is still half-decent hardware compared
to the fancy shiny thingies they sell for premium prices
these days. Where you can gain root without a password and need a USB-C
dongle of substantial size to connect to just about *any* kind of useful, non-snowflake
peripheral. Well, at least it connects to your power supply, isn't that great? :)